Can Someone Diagnose Me?
The moment I open my eyes, I dream about the time I can close them again, ignoring the world around me. The first thing in the morning, I scroll through my phone, having read and understood how much it damaged my nervous system the day before. I go through my day with no agenda, no structure, nothing. I hate that I woke up late. In my head, I am already behind the schedule I created. So I end up doing absolutely nothing. Because there’s obviously no time. I get mad because I have to cook, and it takes an hour or two away from my already behind day. I start eating while watching Netflix, not even realizing how much time has elapsed. Then, wondering how the people on television have their lives together all the time. Do they have more than 24 hours in a day in order to do all the things they do in addition to their day job? And why the hell am I not that productive, organized, and proactive in my own life?
Then I come to my senses, turn off the TV, look at the setting sun outside, and panic. I sit down to do some work. Since I have graduated, there is no structure to my life. I open LinkedIn and apply to jobs with the same resume, which I have been meaning to update for months, but I'm too lazy to even open the document. Then I look at my peers’ achievements on LinkedIn. Go into a downward spiral about all the things I should have done in school. I feel like I’m already behind, and I can never recover.
Open some unrelated paper to read. Panic again because my brain decided to forget about all the things I learned in my course. My very old best friend, overthinking, starts to make it worse. Have I lost all the knowledge, the momentum I had before graduation? What if I can’t get placed because I cannot crack an interview? What if I cannot answer the questions they’re going to ask me in the interview if I score an interview after countless applications and tears?
More panic hits at the thought of presenting my work to the hiring managers, knowing I stutter and my English has gotten worse over time, even though it should be better since I spent more time abroad.
I decide to take a break by scrolling on socials. Literally the worst thing to do. Another emotion takes over the overbearing panic: jealousy. Jealous of the people who had it all figured out, who are earning more than you ever will, who can articulate things better than you, look better than you, have hobbies, and so on. In fact, the only purpose of social media at this point is to feed into your jealousy. Your day, or rather whatever is left, is officially ruined.
I am not motivated to do anything anymore. One negative thought after the other takes over my brain, refusing to see how far I have come in life, all the things I have overcome. I do not want to feel better. Do not want to talk to anyone, participate in anything, just barely existing, not living, not looking forward to anything in the future.
The thought of doing it all the next day kills you more. I have read all the self-help under the sun. Why do I resonate with every psychology video on the internet? Like, how can my entire thought process be so wrong all the time? How can I change my entire thought process and my approach towards life? Like, you can have one wrong thing or two, but, like, how does every second your brain try to sabotage you more and more? It makes no sense.
Do I have ADHD? Is that why I feel like this all the time? Or, like, is my hypothyroidism the reason, or is my ferritin being too low to function the reason? Oh, add my low vitamin D to the mix. Like, pick a lane, girl.